Yes, I’ve completed the H & R Block course and I am now officially sanctioned to destroy America as we know it. Think about moving your money to an off-shore account and whatever you do stay away from the Rte 1 Block office!
So, with time on my hands and most of what I learned now a distant memory (it’ll come back when I need it – won’t it?) I can get back to my most important mission in life ---- hunting through the haystacks of plump, short, boring, illiterate, barely breathing, unwashed and updatable masses to find the singular prize. Good Luck!
Some things never change. Well, let me qualify that. I’ve changed. This time I have written a decisive and instructive profile that lays out the kind of men who should not ever, no never contact me. These are the men who think dating is dinner and a movie – week after week after week, or those that want a laundress and housekeeper, or the ones who think an interesting day is looking through the supermarket circular and then stocking up on cottage cheese. And then there are those whose bodies are not tended to. Tended to means trim weight, under control facial hair and clean and clipped nails (oh just the thought of it is making me queasy.) And finally, I’ve firmly stated that the word widow is not a synonym for “desperate and horny woman ready to give it up for a glass of wine, a quick grope and a promise to install a new furnace filter.”
So it was late at night when I tweaked my profile, prepped the picture and posted. In a second there was a hit….”Hi, are you lonely? Want to chat?” Hmmmm, not a great opener, but who knows he might be the answer. He turned out to be the question - How lonely am I? Not lonely enough to take up with a 72-year-old wearing an argyle sweater, plaid pants and holding a tiny shaved and sculpted Toy Poodle. It is clear…Mick – that was his name - took no time to read my profile. Why bother…what does what I want matter? I figured Mick was the lonely one fishing the pond for newbies who were intimidated by the process and desperate to “get it over with!” Heck, you could always take him to Jos. A Banks and re-wardrobe him but…rehabilitation is just not my thing.
Seconds later, hit number two arrives. His screen name is ‘Born to Please’, sounds promising already. I click his profile. Yikes, he’s a 23-year-old guy, shirtless, with abs like “The Situation”. His message says: “Wow, you’re hot, can you keep up?” Keep up indeed. I was leading the pack when this guy’s parents were in diapers! So I write back…”Look ahead of you baby….I just whizzed past you…and now go to your room.”
Hit number three was downright serious: Listen to this!
“Hi, you’r beautiful. The only thing I want is the Love of a woman....To be able to share her most intimate thoughts and feelings, with complete trust....A bond so strong ...It will continue for all eternite!!!A touch so electric It will shine brite through the darkest night...A warmth, so satisfying A continual calm and peace will bestow us ..And beautiful thoughts of each other that will transcend time. What do you think should we enjoy what GOD has intented for us ...A Pure an ever-lasting love”(sic).
NO, please say he is not God’s intention for me. Please! I need a stiff drink!
So don’t you think that’s enough Internet dating excitement for the first night? How much joy can one woman take? It was an inauspicious start but who knows I might finish strong. If nothing else I will keep you amused.
Good to be back….See you next time.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
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