Sex and the 60 – When did things get so complicated?

Do you think there is any truth to “if you build it he will come”? It worked for Kevin Costner. You know how people say “open yourself to the possibilities and the cosmos will fill the space you create” Yeah sure…Oh, I mean Yeah – I believe. So in the interest of science and testing the cosmos’ reaction I am preparing – preparing for passion. No there is no imminent danger of losing my virginity right this minute but prepared I will be.

Passion. Easy to remember what it was like but certainly difficult to imagine with someone new but…open and prepared I am determined to be. So I made a pilgrimage to the mall to buy enticing items – items made to build on the low light fantasy I would create with crooning music, candles and dimmer switches. Now, with a bag full of frothy goodies I send vibes to the universe --- but have not taken the tags off yet. Hey you think these things are cheap?! I don’t want them yellowing in my drawer.

But wait, there is one more thing that I haven’t had to think about for a very long time. In fact, I never had to think about it because the last time I was single it was “sex, drugs and rock and roll”. No one worried about STDs or HIV. The only way sex could kill you was in a good way-- as in Killer Sex! But I remember the year after Kevin died. “Do I have to have the ‘sex conversation” with you?” My GYN asked sternly. “Do you know about protection?” “Yes, of course I do”, I breezily said. Not really listening or imagining that I would ever really want to know about any of this ever again. Besides how complicated could it be? A latex balloon, after all, that's man’s work now that birth control is no longer my responsibility thanks to the ravages of time!

But the other day, as I moved through the pharmacy aisles at the supermarket looking for the toothpaste on sale, I passed the condom display. Fascinating. The display took up half of one whole aisle. I didn’t know there were so many of them. I paused, thinking well I’m here and they’re here so perhaps the universe is telling me something. I probably should get a couple to have in a bedside drawer, just in case. I mean does it matter if he brings one or I have one? Will his be better than mine? Mine better than his?

So I bent down and took a package off the display – a 5-pack. I was about to throw it into my cart when I noticed it said “vibrating ring”!! What? Do you know that condoms have vibrating rings now? I was actually a bit mesmerized by the image on the back of the box – a drawing of a vibrating ring with little sparks coming off of it….that seems dangerous if you ask me. I squirmed, slipped it back on the hook and took another from the other end of the display. This one glowed in the dark and had deep grooves in it. Another had tiny “fingers” and there were lambskin, sheepskin, goat skin, sensitive, insensitive, polyurethane, durex, latex, with spermicidal chemicals or without and something very intimidating called Fire and Ice! Oh, and I forgot – how about the flavored ones! Hmmm…body parts that taste like dessert…huh – what will they think of next?

My head was spinning. When did this get so complex? I just want the condom that covers the ya’ know – Thingy and keeps his stuff away from my stuff thus protecting us both from bad stuff. Why do we need hundreds of kinds? Where’s the condom that they give out at the free clinic? Yeah, where’s the condom that the Pope approved for gay men? That’s all I want. I just want one of those – just one would do for that one time that I might really need it. I don’t need a sex toy – I need a condom! Who thought up all these different types, shapes, sizes and flavors? If you haven’t been to the aisle lately (and I’ll bet 99% of you haven’t) behold the disease preventatives dressed up as party favors!

I left empty-handed that day. Although I do think I’ll go back for the Tiramisu flavored one with inside, outside ribs and fingers, a vibrating tip, video camera, audio recorder and built in apology for having to leave without spending the night. I think that one would come in very handy!

See you next time. Next Year! And a Happy and Healthy One it should be for all of you.